the grass is always greener…

there are several blogs that I read regularly and passionately.  most times I do not comment, though; I’d rather read anonymously, but then sometimes my fingers just itch to say something.

one of those blogs is menosblog.  tuesday marked one year of blogging for her, and in her post she asked her readers to tell her how they started blogging.  that gave me the idea for this post.

I started blogging for a couple of reasons.  one was to tell my side of mama’s stories.  she always tells them from the mama *said with a sigh* perspective; I thought the kid should have her say, too.

the other reason is because I’m a voyeur.  I just reached that conclusion while I was commenting over at meno’s place.  I’m very inquisitive, nosy, curious by nature.   I used to rummage around in my parent’s drawers and closets when they weren’t home. (shh…don’t tell mama!)

I would do this at other people’s homes, too; like when I babysat, at my grandparents’, a boyfriend, basically anywhere that I could snoop alone.  I didn’t do it to get the goods on anyone, blackmail’s not my thing.  I didn’t want to take anything that they had-well, maybe I wanted to, but I didn’t.  I just wanted to see their secrets, get a glimpse into the part of them they didn’t make public.

by the way, I don’t do this anymore, so if by some chance you have me over, I won’t rummage through your things, I promise!

I’m sure over the years I found things that were better left hidden, but I can’t think of anything right this minute.  In fact, I honestly can’t think of anything at all that I discovered.  I really do have a terrible memory, I guess in this instance it’s a good thing.

my cousin, however, found something horrifying that she couldn’t wait to show me.  her parents used to go out once in awhile and leave us with her older brothers.  on one of those nights, she took me into her parents’ bedroom and dug around in a dresser drawer.

what she pulled out still haunts me to this day.  I can’t even sit here and tell you about it without shuddering.  this was a good 28 or 30 years ago, mind you.  in this drawer were 2 polaroid pictures.  one of each of her parents, NAKED!  I was scarred for life that night.

it was several years before I could look either of them in the eye, but now that I’ve grown up and seen quite a bit of nudity, I think I would probably have to laugh and tell my aunt the story.

I would like to say that this particular episode cured me of my curiosity nosiness, unfortunately, it didn’t.   years later, i just decided one day that enough was enough, and I quit cold turkey.  like any addiction, it was very difficult at first, then slowly eased off, but every once in awhile I still have that craving.  I just have to distract myself for a few moments, and the longing goes away.

nowadays, I use yard sale and thrift store therapy to help me get by.  I wholeheartedly adhere to the theory one man’s trash tells much about his life.  hmm…I wonder if any of our babysitter’s have gone through my drawers.  maybe that’s why some of them have never come back.  maybe that’s why I can’t find my cat o’ nine tails…

this is a blatant rip-off of helen’s idea, but I thought it was fun. I was, however, mildly disappointed that I’m only rated G. I mean, shrek was rated PG for pete’s sake!! I’m milder than that?! not in my mind, but apparently in my blog. oh, well. maybe someday I’ll become more of an adult blogger.

jessica brought us these aprons from italy. mine is venus, rich’s is david; obviously we’ve switched them here. I think they’re more interesting this way. rich does most of the grilling on the compound, so when the fam gathered for father’s day, he put his apron on to grill. I made him take it off, but not before jess suggested we snap a pic of both aprons.

I had breakfast with my walmart ladies this morning.  we try to meet every couple of weeks, just to catch up on stuff.  for a long time, I was the only one who didn’t work there anymore, but now there’s two of us.

mandi had the day off so I didn’t have to take emma with me.  jess and tony had a dentist appointment, so I went alone.  it was such a feeling of freedom, to be able to sit and enjoy the company and food and not have to worry about one young’un or the other.

after we’d been there for awhile, we were meandering out to the parking lot, and don’t you know that tony called and asked if he and jess could come meet me for breakfast?!  why, I ask you, could they not eat breakfast before they left the house for their appointment?  it’s because they think if I get to eat out, they should, too.

so, I weighed my options: let them come, spend the rest of the little cash I had, sit and watch them eat…while I enjoy their company, of course.

or, tell them to meet me at my next stop, and put up with the fussing.

yeah, you know which choice I made.  I’m such a doormat.  so, I sat there with them while they ate their omelets, and we discussed life.  I have to admit, I did enjoy just being with them, so it was worth it.

while we were waiting for the food, they started playing hockey with the creamers.  tony won, and each time he sent the creamer into jess’ goal, he would shout, “yesss!! score one for the tonester!!”  we laughed, and I asked him if he wouldn’t rather call himself ‘the chuckster’, but he said he likes ‘tonester’ better.

finished product, originally uploaded by hockamama.

I feel so relaxed right now, the cake is finished, the wedding is over and everyone is happy.  it took me 3 1/2 hours to decorate it, but I was pretty happy with the outcome.  I would have liked prettier flowers, but these are what the bride bought for me.  all the flowers she used in the ceremony and reception were real fake-y looking, I was surprised she didn’t get the ones that looked more realistic.  but the wedding turned out really pretty, there were lots of candles, the candelabras they used were gorgeous.

now I can start stressing about maddie’s tea party. I don’t like having things to stress about, but somehow I always get involved in something…

as of june 6, we have lived in this house for 9 years. that’s the longest I have ever lived in one place. before that, my record was right about 4 years. lately, I’ve had an itch to move. it feels weird to live here this long. I love my house, but I’m ready for a change.

when we moved here, mama and daddy bought this 40 acre plot of land, with this house on it. we split the farm payment 3 ways, between the parents, stuart’s fam and our fam.

we had our 5, rich’s dad, and mama and daddy in this house for the first handful of months. then mama and daddy’s house was installed down the hill and they moved. stuart, mandi, and madison came down later and moved in with them. then rich’s dad -my beloved ed- built himself an apartment and moved out of our house.

we bought the house and an acre+ from mama and daddy about a year later, so we could make some improvements -like putting in a heating/ac system, updating the fire hazard that passed for electricity, replacing rotted floors, etc.

when you come to visit, you reach our house first, then continue down the driveway to mama’s. stuart built a shop down the hill where he can work on cars and just do the things he likes to do.

it is so nice for tony and madison -and jess and kris when they were younger- to be able to walk back and forth. the way the property is laid out, our front yard is the only part that goes to the road, from there, it runs behind 3 neighbors’ houses, then way down into the woods. so the kids have almost worn a path behind the neighbors’, and they play in the trees on that path.

still, with all this, I miss living in a neighborhood, I miss having sidewalks, for the kids to ride their bikes, to take leisurely strolls. I miss being able to walk to the library, to the store. I dream of moving into one of these cute little neighborhoods mandi and I stumble upon when we’re out yard-saling.

but, there’s no place like home.  as much as I miss these things, I can’t imagine ever leaving here.

emma has found her feet. she has also started squealing. it’s very entertaining to watch her now. and she is plumping right up, she looks like she hasn’t missed many bottles.

for the last week, I’ve been dealing with the wedding cake that I have to make for saturday. a woman at church is getting married and has asked me to make it for her. this is only the second wedding cake I’ve made, and I’m nervous. she requested a square cake; I’ve never done a square, so I had to get the set of pans. the largest one is 16″, which is HUGE. it would also serve 128 people, just that layer. this is her 3rd marriage, and they haven’t invited a whole lot of people, so the cake doesn’t need to be humongous.

so I’m using 3 layers, but the bottom will only be 12″. it will be much more manageable for me. I just want it to be over with, so I can quit stressing out. it seems like I haven’t thought about anything else for the last week.

tony has read his first book of the summer. he is a great reader, but he doesn’t really enjoy it. he would play video games all day if I’d let him. so, we made a deal. for every hour he spends reading, he can have 2 hours of gaming, with a cap of 4 hours a day. we also signed up for the summer reading program at the library to give him a goal. so far he’s staying on track, in fact, he enjoyed this book so much, that he read for 3 hours yesterday. of course that might also have something to due with not being allowed to game yesterday because of some back talking the night before. either way, he’s off to a good start.

my twin nieces from ohio will be here in a couple of weeks. I can’t wait to see them. I hate that I only see them once a year, but I reckon that’s better than not at all.

we are going to have a tea party for madison’s -late- birthday. she is still in indiana. the original plan was for her to be home 2 weeks ago, but her grandmother had a heart attack and spent a few days in the hospital. now, she and mandi are having trouble finding the perfect day to meet in the middle. so, the party will be july 7th, and the twins will be here to attend.

I’m excited about the party, but right now there’s too much stress over the cake, so the excitement has to wait until after tomorrow.

I thought this was the best picture! it’s like if she thinks hard enough, it will come to her

when I turned 20, I cried. I could remember being a 12 year-old and being enamored of my best friend’s 20 year-old cousin who seemed so grown up. so, when I became 20, I felt old.

when I turned 30, I was fine. it didn’t really matter to me one way or another.

unfortunately, when I turned 40, it did matter to me. I cried, but only 4 or 5 tears, the rest was internal. when I was younger, I had every intention of being fabulous when I was in my 40’s. but I’m not. I’m not fabulous, or fit, or fancy, or fulfilled, or fashionable. instead, I’m I feel faded, fiery, foolish, fatigued, sometimes ferocious, fickle…

I’m not sure what I reckoned 40 felt like, but this isn’t how I pictured it. I realize that it’s all a state of mind, and that I am only half way (I hope) through this life of mine, but I don’t want to end up with more regrets than I already have. maybe that’s it, I worry that I won’t use this second half in a respectable manner.

to top it off, tonight tony said that he wasn’t sure what he wanted to be when he grows up. then he said maybe he wouldn’t be anything, ‘like you, mama’

oh, well. I think I’m going to take rich’s coworker’s advice. she said when she got to her late 30’s, she thought back, and realized that 28 was the best year of her life, so that’s the age she’s sticking with.

as it happens, 28 was also my best year. it was the year I married the man I love, the year I finally started to grow up.

so, instead of being 40, I think I’ll be 28. I wonder if anyone will believe me. I bet not, too many people have already asked me if I’m emma’s grandmother.

as I’ve said before, some days you’re the cat, other days…the cat box