the grass is always greener…

“life is full of hard bits; but in between the hard bits, there are lots of perfectly lovely bits”
-lily eagle vs. shark

I haven’t felt much like being nice the last couple of weeks. it’s funny, really…the great moments FAR outnumber the rough ones, but so often it’s the rough ones that remain steadfast in my sights.the saturday after valentine’s day, rich took me out to dinner and a movie. we went to harper’s in greensboro, and it was very likely the best restaurant experience I’ve ever had. the blue cheese dressing was the best I’ve tasted, even better than mine, which hurt a little. but it was so good, I was able to get past it. the dessert was a ginormous wedge of chocolate cake, drizzled with strawberry sauce, accompanied by 3 strawberries the size of my fist (no kidding), dipped in chocolate. it was too divine.

after dinner, we went to the theater and rich let me pick which movie we’d see. I didn’t really know much about any of them, but there was a poster there for atonement, and I figured with keira knightley, it couldn’t be too bad. boy was I wrong. it was a sad story, told confusingly, hopping back and forth and sideways. I suppose if it had been told better, it might have been easier to sit through. it was the first time rich has ever left during the movie to smoke; that’s how bad it was.

between the stuff with kristopher, and dealing with jess’s relationship with a boy we don’t really care for-and the resulting behaviors that accompany said relationship, rich and I have been spending more time together, talking more and getting closer. for awhile now, I worried if we’d have anything to talk about when the kids were gone, but I was worried for nothing. way back when we first got together, we could talk for hours and never run out of things to say, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but it was reassuring.

I’ve started walking a couple mornings a week with my friend Katrina. if the weather is nice, we go to the park and walk the track, but if it’s yucky, we’ll go to the mall and walk with the seniors. we walk for about an hour before she’ll let me take a break. she’s brutal. it feels good afterward, though.

this past saturday, katrina, cris and I took off in the afteroon and went to our favorite used bookstore, then ate at Bravo’s. it was so yummy! afterwards, we came back to town and saw the play ‘steel magnolias’ at the college. it’s been years since I watched the movie, so it was almost like watching a new story. it was performed very well. especially the ladies who played ouiser and claree.

so, those are some of the good times. kris’ foster mother called me last night to tell me that he failed all of his subjects, he’s cutting classes and now will not graduate on schedule. he’s decided he doesn’t need to have a diploma, he’ll just finish his diesel tech class and get his certification to get a job.

on saturday, we had adt come out and get us started on the path to security. never in a million years did I ever think we would go this route. I realize alot of people have security systems, and they’ve been lifesavers many times over. but when my parents moved us from the big city into the small town, we never locked our doors. of course, we had a vicious dog. when rich and I married, we didn’t lock doors. it wasn’t until we moved here, that rich’s dad locked our doors every night. my parents and stuart used to talk smack about us locking our doors and our paranoia. now, however, my parents were the ones urging us to call adt.

the maternal part of me can’t bear to think that a child of my flesh could ever harm his family; but the practical thinking part of me (which stays hidden often) knows that he’s already caused irreperable harm, and being a sociopath, there’s really nothing to stop him from following his thoughts and desires.

so, tell me, please. why do I get sucked under from the bad thoughts, when there are more good things to focus on?

I was really happy with how this little venture turned out.  I just picked up a deck of cards at dollar tree, and spray painted the faces of all but 2.  then I took lots of pictures of things that go together

like rich’s guitar and pick

needle and threadpaint and brushes (heavily saturated)

checkbooks and calculators

pushpins and memoboards.  I took 44 pictures in all.  it was lots of fun.  I put several more on flickr if you’d like to see them.

I had rich pick up some little heart donuts at krispy kreme for the babies’ breakfast this morning. an even better valentine’s gift was a snow day. they loved their donuts, and had a ball sledding ALL day. tony came downstairs this morning and said, “I haven’t seen this much snow in years!” he’s right, we haven’t had a snow like this in 3 years or better. the best part? by lunch time, it was almost gone! that’s my kind of snow.

I have worked my tail off (I wish!) this past week with my valentine projects. for jerry, I made a cute card and some little chocolate hearts, tools and drills.

I made rich a cool card, and a little book. I went around the house taking pictures of things that go together – peanut butter and jelly; salt and pepper; socks and shoes; etc – tony thought I was nuts. I had them printed in wallet size, then I stuck them to the face side of playing cards that I had spray painted white and gold. on the back side, I wrote on stickers, to correspond with the pictures. then I punched holes in the stickers and put binder rings on them. when he brings it home (he took it to work to show all his girls) I’ll get some pictures of it, why I didn’t take some when I finished, I don’t know.

I also bought him steven curtis chapman’s new cd, with the song ‘cinderella‘ on it. he first heard it earlier this week and it brought him to tears. we’re dealing with the whole independence thing with jessica right now, and that song just brought it home to him. (dang, come to think of it, 2/3 of my kids are giving us fits right now, jeez!)

last valentine’s day, tony and I made rich a nice romantic dinner of crab stuffed cornish hens and lobster mashed potatoes. it was truly yummy, and well worth the effort. this year, unfortunately, rich’s hours have changed (hopefully only temporarily) so he wasn’t home.

so, I decided to take dinner to him. my girl paula made a shrimp and crab au gratin dish on her show a couple of weeks ago, and I thought that would be perfect. the only problem with taking a nice dinner is that we’re both ‘dieting’. well, trying not to overeat anymore, is probably more accurate. so, I made sure to pick up some weight watcher desserts, and I stopped at boston market for some steamed veggies.

the au gratin wasn’t quite as good as I’d hoped. it was a little too tangy for my taste, calling for dry white wine and lemon juice. the lemon I used was small, but I think it would have been better without it. I’d rather drop the lemon than the wine. I’m such a lush. I don’t really drink much wine, but I love to cook with it.

I hate taking food to him, and eating it in the office with other people in the outer offices. it just feels like we’re eating in front of them, so I try not to go empty handed. this morning, over at super eggplant, I found this great idea. she and a friend have been making cakes in jars. so, I found a good brownie recipe, went to the store for some cool jars, and baked some brownies. everyone was impressed with how cool they looked, and how yummy they tasted.

I’m definitely going to have to remember that trick. wouldn’t that be a cool idea for a wedding? you know how so many people are doing cupcake wedding cakes? instead, you could have your little cake for the cutting ceremony, and have little jars with individual cakes, and some personalized little labels.

that idea may have been brought on by this horrific show I stumbled upon a little bit ago on cmt, ‘my big redneck wedding’. my gosh, it’s like driving past an accident, you don’t want to look, but it’s so hard to refrain. I actually sat and watched most of one episode, but when the next one came on, and the bride couldn’t find her teeth the day of the wedding, I had to turn it off. the first one I saw had everyone EVERYONE but the bride and her mother wearing camouflage. the bridesmaids, the groomsmen, the ring bearer and flower girl, even the minister! it was an outdoor wedding, with people sitting in camp chairs. the bride wore a green prom dress, and her mama had less teeth than emma. the groom gave the bride a pink rifle for a wedding gift.

oh goodness, listen to judge holly! sorry. I think it’s late, I need to go to bed before my mind narrows any more. hopefully tomorrow morning, it will have opened back up.

across the road is an overpass that carries us back a dirt road to some friends, bob and barbara. about 6 months ago, barb’s daddy jerry moved up from florida and is staying with them. he’s in his mid 80’s and is right much fun to hang out with. I take him to do his banking, shopping and other errands. in mid january, I hooked him up with our tiny little senior lunch bunch at the community center down the road. some days there are 4 who show up, some days 14.

jerry likes to think he’s a ladies man, so he’s always trollin’ for women. unfortunately, the ladies who attend the lunch group are all too old for him (they’re in their 70’s). for some reason he thinks he should have his pick of women my age and thereabouts. he’s quite a character, and a charmer…if you can get past his stubbornness.

anyway, I like to sit on this overpass and snap pictures. this is where I took this one, and this one, among many others.

I’m gonna go make valentine’s now…one for rich and one for my other man, jerry.

maybe spring will come after all…

well, today we received an unofficial diagnosis for kristopher: sociopath. do you have any idea how scared that makes me?

never mind me, I’m just wollerin’ again…

isolation…forlorn…hopelessness…gloomy…resignation…despair

these are the feelings that come to mind when I look at this picture; but I didn’t feel any of them when I was taking the picture. so why now?

birthday stinkerbell, originally uploaded by hockamama.

on saturday my stinkerbell turned one whole year old. such a bittersweet occasion. she’s turning into such a little girl with a sweet personality, but the little baby is gone. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. it seems like just a couple of months ago, I watched her come into this world, thanking God the whole time that it wasn’t me pushing her out!

nana got her a teddy bear and a xylophone. mandi and stuart got her a few things, including a little chatterphone. rich and I bought her a shopping cart, which seemed to be the hit of the day. she didn’t want to play with her other toys and she didn’t want to leave it. I kinda felt bad for overshadowing everyone else’s gifts, but I’ve known for awhile that I wanted to get her one. tomorrow morning she’ll be shopping from my cupboards, just like tony used to.

look at her. she makes my heart smile, and my eyes leak