guilt


Today, I lost my job.  I’m 43 years old, and have been fired.  For the first time in many years, I started a new job in July.  I wasn’t looking, but I was recommended for it by a friend of a friend.  Over the last 4 months, I thought things had been going great, telling everyone that I had the best job and boss in the world.  My boss had told me several times that I was a great fit, and the girl who recommended me told me that I was the best person they’d ever had in that position.

Yet, this morning, my boss said that she had to let me go.  She’d had complaints and it just wasn’t working for her.  I hate myself right now, for screwing up such a great thing.  I have no idea what the complaints were, I’m guessing my phone demeanor (although people tell me I’m very friendly).  Or maybe it was something else.  Maybe it was because I fussed about how cleaning up dog poo in the office wasn’t in my description.  In some ways, I’d like to know, but really, what good would it do me, since I can’t go back and fix it?

I feel depressed and sad.  There’s such a humiliation to being fired.  Especially when it’s your fault.  I feel bad that I forced my boss into the position of having to let me go.  I feel bad about letting down the girl who recommended me.  I’m not angry with them, I’m angry with myself.

Now, more than ever, I want to kick myself for not furthering my education.  I always wanted to be a mama and wife, and that’s what I’ve done for years, but it would be nice to have some sort of skill to use in the support of my family.

So, I’ll go now, sit on the couch and mope.  Tomorrow is a different day, and the things that I haven’t had the time to get to these last 4 months, will have my attention.

chewey is missing. my big, lovable, snuggly handsome boy is lost. my heart is breaking.

chewey joined our family on father’s day weekend 12 years ago. our 3 other cats were grown, no longer playful, and we wanted a baby. he fit the bill, he was so sweet, came right to me when I followed my heart to the house with the ‘free kittens’ sign. I knew right away that he needed a daddy as much as rich needed a kitty. I took him home and he was promptly nicknamed chewey, short for chulalongkorn after the prince in ‘the king & I’ ~although most people think he’s named after the wookie on star wars.

over the last few years, he’s been venturing outside, just around the house, and mostly in the garage. he spends hours in the garage daily. and that’s how this whole mess came about.

on friday afternoon I was headed to school to pick up the babies, when just a mile from the house, I heard a soft thud. I looked in the mirror, and chewey was sitting in the road! apparently, he was on the roof of my jeep when I pulled out of the garage, and he hung on as long as he could. how could I not have seen him? I’ve asked myself this hundreds of times over the past 4 days.

I immediately pulled over and turned around, but when I got back to the spot where I had seen him, he was gone. I called and cried and pleaded for him to come to me, but I couldn’t find him.

we searched, from that point, all the way back home…over and over on friday, then again on saturday. finally, I went door to door on sunday, down the dirt road that crosses the track, which is where I lost him. 2 of the people I talked to had seen him friday afternoon; in fact one man described him as not having missed many meals. yep, that’s my handsome boy.

we’ve gone back down that road a couple of times since then, and driven and walked the area loads more. I’m comforted by the fact that we haven’t seen him in or beside the road. the animal shelter hasn’t seen him, either, so that’s hopeful.

and people keep telling me that cats can find their homes, but how long does it take a cat to walk a mile? he’s never had to find his own food, it’s always been handed to him. he doesn’t have claws. he’s a teddy bear. and we’ve had a couple of good storms. what if he’s scared somewhere?

ugh, I just want my handsome boy to come home.

On the list of things that I wish I could take back and/or do over:  at the wedding reception, I gave in to my impulses and very slightly rubbed cake on Rich’s lips, rather than just put it in his mouth, as any nice, polite woman would do.  As a true testament to his character, he gently placed cake into my mouth.  Revenge was not a dish he cared to partake of.  I just love him.

I have discovered Dove cookies! Now, having lost 40 pounds last year, I really have NO business even looking in the cookie aisle, but I did.  And now Satan is calling to my thighs to rub some chocolate onto themselves.

These divine cookies are new; it says so right on the box.  There are 15 cookies in each box.  I picked up 2 different flavors, since I decided to play dumb and buy into the whole 2/$5 scam, rather than just pay $2.50 for 1 — 1 that I don't need!

I bought Mint Chocolate Serenade and Milk Chocolate Moment.  The side panel says the serving size is 3 cookies, and there are 19 carbs and 160 calories per serving.  When I opened them, I made the most amazing discovery.  Not only are they petite; 2" X 2", they are packed in 3 small trays.  That's right, there are FIVE cookies in each tray.  So, now the evil voice in my head (one of them) says, "You might as well go ahead and eat all 5, what's the point in putting a half-empty tray back into the pantry?"  This was a valid argument, but my will power argued back, "The box clearly states that a serving size is 3 not 5."

So, in an extremely difficult show of support for my will power, I put the other 2 cookies back in their tray and hid them away in the pantry (sometimes I think maybe it's not a good thing that I hide food from my family…) and breathed a sigh of relief when I returned to my chair with the correct number of cookies.  Now, I could eat those cookies without feeling like a traitor to my body.

I went back 10 minutes later for the other 2 cookies.  I felt bad for leaving them all alone.  And they were just as full of creamy, yummy deliciousness (and carbs and calories and fat!) as the first 3.

My thighs hate me. 

Thankfully God loves me, even with my many flaws.