I love csi, especially csi miami.  I used to want to be a csi, forensics has always interested me.  now that I have children, though, I am much more emotional, so I’m not sure I could handle it anymore.  after csi, I usually go to bed.  most nights I am the only one around at this time.  tony’s in bed, jess is gone, rich is at work.  so, it’s dark and quiet in the house.  sometimes, it creeps me out, and I wonder if maybe someone is hiding behind the shower curtain, or in the laundry room.  logic says I really don’t have anything to worry about, I’m probably not real likely to be killed, but I’ll bet most dead people thought the same thing.

so, the other night, (after the blurb on the news about the nurse anesthetist who killed the face lift patient for stealing her boyfriend 30 years ago) when I was getting ready for bed – in the dark house – I started thinking, and wondering if I had ever made anybody mad enough that they would still be angry enough to kill me decades later.  I sure hope I haven’t, but I know I have hurt plenty of people in my time.  in my younger days, I was guilty of luring away boyfriends.  later, when I was on the other end – with a couple of boyfriends, and a husband – mama tried to tell me that if they were that easily led away, then they weren’t worth my tears.  it took me awhile to accept the truth in that statement.  some people may not agree with that sentiment, but would they still be angry years later?

I was angry when my husband (ex now)  found someone, hurt and VERY angry.  I sent her an anonymous ransom-type letter, complete with words cut from the newspaper, telling her to watch her back.  a couple of days later, a policeman arrived at the door to ask me to come to the cop shop, where they asked me about the letter.  of course, it only took about 28 seconds for me to break down and admit to sending it.  thankfully, the officer didn’t charge me (I like to think that my story of being penniless, without a phone, paying the florist for a bad check written for a dozen roses-NOTFORME-made him feel just a little sorry for me) with anything, just sent me home with a warning to leave her alone.

so, heeding mama’s advice, I let her have him.  I was depressed, felt like a failure for not being able to keep a husband, but I let him go.  never did I feel angry enough to hurt her physically, even when the rejection was fresh.  in fact, about 5 years later, when I was married for real, to the man who was meant for me,  she would come over to my house and cut my hair, and tell me of his continued betrayal, with even younger girls.  I felt genuinely bad for her.  the thought of telling her that if he did it once, he was bound to do it again, or “what comes around, goes around” occurred to me, but I didn’t have the heart to say either.   instead, I thanked her for taking her off my hands.

there are people that I lied to, snubbed, gossiped about, and probably lots worse.  some of them I have apologized to, some of them, I don’t even remember.  I hope they’ve all been able to forgive me, or at the very least, forget the ugliness I inflicted upon them.

if I ever hurt you in any way, I am sorry.  please don’t kill me when our paths cross years from now.